I just can't do it.

I can't be cool with him right now. I don't appreciate being told that i need to grow up and that i'm insane and being yelled at over something so miniscule and then having something i said a month ago be twisted into something else and thrown back in my face. Why should i try when nothing i can ever do or say is going to fix anything with this dude and how he feels? There's really no point. He's cut out.

We're all fucked, but me moreso.

Me and Dustin decided to be atleast respectful towards each other and he told me he wanted to get along with me but that it was up to me now and i was surprised.
I went to citrus wednesday to Graham's house and we went to see Monsters Inc in 3D, after the movie he admitted he never really liked that movie hahaha! We hungout a little at Emily's afterwards and Dustin was a little awkward around me, not really conversing much with me. Maybe said all of 15 words to me the entire time but there was a couple other friends there too so it wasn't a bad time.
The next day i went to Emily's and hungout with them for a little bit, Dustin called me to ask if i could pick him up from work around 3:30 and i said "sure". That night they planned to have abunch of people came over for the end of the world gathering. Earlier before everyone showed up, Dustin was once again barely speaking to me and i didn't understand why. I had asked him to go with me to get something so we could talk maybe and right before i went to leave he changed his mind about going and i was a little annoyed.
I went off to Graham's to pick something up and came back to Emily saying she thinks Dustin thinks i hate him and told me he didn't exactly say that but said he told her that if i was really trying to be his friend i would have asked if he needed a ride to work the next morning already. So, about a half hour after i was told that i was asked if i could take him and i said yea, so when he knew i would take him he finally started acting normal around me again. He seemed happy and relaxed and like he was cool with me again. Things were really nice. But throughout the night i kept catching him looking at me or standing near where i was sitting in their outside room, it was kind of strange but i didn't say anything. He then told me since people were gonna be loud that i could sleep in his bed so we can wakeup early to take him to work and that the bed if big enough for us. So, i did that.
Later that day when he got back he asked me if i could take him to crystal river saturday to go christmas shopping and i said i would as long as i could get a little gas money. Once again, he was happy and relaxed. That night we had to run up to winn dixie to get Emily's pudding and push pops because she was hungover and we were getting along really well. I put on thinkin' 'bout you and he told me not to change it and the we proceeded to have a mini sing-a-long to it on the way back.
Yesterday i got up at a decent time and took a much needed shower, went off to Emily's and when i got there Dustin was just waking up. He walked out of the room with just basketball shorts on, ugh. I put on the Dexter finale and put a frozen pizza in the oven for lunch. He kept coming out periodically asking/seeing what i was doing and at one point jokingly said i act like a little kid. We got done eating and headed out. Things were going really well, and he was being really nice towards me and not picking little arguments and i was really happy about that.
We went into Kmart so he could find something for his baby cousin and brother, he went into the toy section and messed with some of the things a little and had this smile on his face, and then i told him he was the one who acts like a kid and he just laughed. He kept asking me what i thought of his choices for the gifts, as if i knew his family better than he did or something, it was kind of funny. We went into JC Penney because he wanted to find a fitted cap for his cousin but they didn't have those, so instead he got a little fleece jacket and matching black sweatpants. He said the outfit was made for him because then his cousin could match him now haha. After the mall we went into his work, DD, so he could get something for emily and his grandma. He came out to the car to ask me what i think Emily would like more, Coffee or a coffee tumbler that gets her money off when she gets it filled there.
On the way back to the house he got me some gas and we picked up Jon so he could get groceries with Jon's EBT card. While we were there, Dustin had walked away from his basket and Jon told me "grab your boyfriends stuff." I nearly had a heart attack. I said he isn't my boyfriend and he just laughed and said "yea, ok.". I don't really know how i feel about that. When we got to the house Tyler and their friend Mike, who just got out of prison, was there with some beers. They had planned to go out to a bar/billiards in cr that was closing it's doors today. Before they left Dustin kept asking me if i wanted to go, i said i was gonna wait until Emily got home he then said i should drive up there to meet them. I said i didn't want to use my gas since i don't have any money left and he said i could ride up there with them right now or wait until Emily got home and have Graham take me. I told him Graham probably wasn't going to want to go and he said he would call him and make him want to go. For some reason he really wanted me to go, but i had just spent like over 5 hours non-stop with him so i figured he wouldn't want to be like right there with me all night too. I told him when he was leaving that if i didn't see him later i would see him next time i'm in town and he said "shut up, you're going to see me when i get home you're not going anywhere tonight." But he never went home last night.
When i got to Graham's last night i started thinking about my day, and what happened and that i was very glad that we got along so well, like how things were before. And then i realized i still very much have strong feelings for him. And that i like the way he gets when a song he likes a lot is playing and sings along with it so passionately even though he's not the best singer, and how he smiles when he's having innocent fun like a kid, they way he laughs because it's kind of funny but it's his, the fact that he can recite a shit ton of random movie quotes at any given time. I want to be there for him when i can, i want to help him when he needs it, i want to make him things, i want to take him to work if he needs a ride, i want to do things and support him in whatever he chooses to do to make himself a better person. I just want to see him happy all the time, because that makes me happy too. It makes me mad at myself because i know i can't just go and do those things whenever i want to. I'm not in the position to do them. How am i supposed to be friends with him like he wants without having all this extra bullshit inside of me? It makes me that much harder for me to hangout with him because i don't want to have feelings for him because i know it's not going to change a thing.

Another One Done

Me and Dustin are no longer on good terms.


Just a bunch of bullshit.
Always.

Everything has changed

I'm currently trying to get back to Citrus. I spend a few days there a couple weeks ago, i had a great time and got to know Dustin better. He makes me food and does little favors for me, and vice versa, it's good. Three days after i got back home, he asked me to come back, so i did. Spent a week with Dustin, put out some applications and resumes so i can move there soon. He seems to really like me even though he claims he wants nothing serious. But who talks about always wanting to hangout with me and wanting to have money so we can do things together and talks about coming to visit me over an hour away if they don't ever want anything more? It's whatever for now.
I got home yesterday, i saw Dustin before i left again and he made it hard to leave. I learned he makes this certain expression on his face when he hears something he doesn't really like but he'll act like it's fine. I don't think he knows he does it, but when i tried to leave like five times he kept making that face and kept hugging and kissing me. He watched me back my car out of his driveway and blew me a kiss, it was kind of sweet.
At 4am last night the fire alarm went off and i ran out of my room half naked thinking i was about to be burned alive, it was just the heater though. Today i feel like all i've done it apply to various places in citrus county via computer. Even at restaurants/gas stations. I never have applied to had the desire to apply to such places, until now. Something's going on with me.

Visiting friends and such.

So, last week i went up to citrus wednesday night so me and Emily could pick our friend Graham up from the airport thursday together. He's moving back to the FL and we were super excited! That night a couple people stopped by to hang out with us to drink a little, it was a good time. Thursday morning i found out we didn't have to pick him up until 11:30 pm so we just hung out a bit and i took Emily grocery shopping for her new house. That night while Emily was making dinner her boyfriends brother, who just got out of jail a week prior and i've never met, stopped by with one of his friends. He immediately walked over to where i was sitting and introduced himself, as did his friend. I figured they were being polite seeing as i had never met them and they wanted to make a good impression. Throughout the hour and a half they were there before we left for the airport, i kept catching my friends boyfriends brother looking at me. While he was outside smoking, talking to his friend in another room and occasionally kept sitting next to me at the table but i didn't think anything of it, i just thought maybe he was just looking because he didn't know me or anything or i looked weird. We quickly scarfed down some taco's she made and smoked a couple cigarettes before heading out, he had told us to drive safe and said goodbye multiple times before we closed the door. The drive to the airport was long and boring, but we had some good music to pump us up. By the time we got to the airport we were about half an hour early. Emily called her boyfriend to let him know we made it, after a minute on the phone she started giggling and said goodbye and looked at me and goes "well, i guess Dustin left you a note when he left our house tonight." I didn't know how to react, i kind of smirked and thought to myself "i knew something weird like this was gonna happen.". She said her boyfriend told her it said something about how i was going to fall in love with him and me and her busted out laughing. She then told me she kind of knew he probably wanted to get into my pants because apparently he doesn't normally introduce himself that quickly. We scooted closer to Grahams airline arrival area and we got him into the car and on the way home. I drove about 10mph over almost the entire way back so we made pretty good time. We got back and Emily rushed into the room i was staying in and i heard her ask "is this the note?" Her boyfriend said "yea, i guess so..." She walked out of the room into the living room while reading it laughing. After she read it she said "it doesn't say anything about you falling in love with him, but it's a lot better than i thought it was gonna be." I read it slowly to myself, while her and Graham crowded around me waiting to see my reaction. It read;
"Dear pretty girl Amanda,
I did not get enough time to talk to you but i will be back, i hope you stay comfortable and have a nice time till my return. I would like to know all about you, so take care and sleep well.
- Dustin :)

PS You are too cute for words."

I started laughing because i didn't know what else to do and then graham took it out of my hands and then he set it down and Emily's boyfriend read it. They started joking around and it made me feel a little awkward. I mean, come on, i'm so used to guys just being like "Hey, you look cool want to go hangout?" But i have to admit, even though i know what it all means, it's definitely a nice change. The next night we had Graham's coming home dinner. It was some awesome cheesy food. Some friends stopped by and we drank a little. Dustin stopped by with some people and he walked out into the back room where most of us were and everyone hugged him while i sat against the wall. He walked over to me and asked how the drive was and asked if i needed a drink or anything. After about five minutes i went inside to make another drink and sit down and he asked me what i thought of the note, i didn't really know what to say so i guess i just smiled and he said he thought it would make me smile. His friends who were waiting on him to go to a party were telling him to hurry up but he kept saying he wanted to hangout a little. He then asked me how long i was gonna be in town for and how often i come to visit and i told him whenever i can, really. He told me if he didn't see me the next night that he will the next time i come up there. I just smiled and nodded, i could feel myself starting to feel flattered just because of how polite he was being to me every time he's talked to me. Let me tell you, it's pretty damn nice. I left citrus sunday morning after driving Emily to work, and it was windy as fuck. I made it home at a good time and some weird people were here. I just kind of stayed in my room. Yesterday i woke up to a message on facebook from Dustin, once again addressing me as "pretty girl Amanda" saying i should come back soon and to be good and stay safe and that he'll be thinking of me. I chuckled and told Emily about it. She told me the night before that they all went to a bonfire and i guess he went up to her and asked her how often i come up there and told her he really thinks i'm cute. Made me blush a little. I mean seriously though, i think i'm ok looking sometimes but i barely know this guy and he's practically gushing about me. It's weird, isn't it? It does make me feel good about myself, so i guess it's good. This shit's just really unexpected, but i should be used to unexpected things because that's all that ever happens anymore. I'm taking what i can get.

I can't do this.

I really can't stand being here for much longer, i'm not doing anything, i have no money. I'm either making myself crazy checking all the social websites for something new or i'm eating when i'm bored and i'm gaining weight. I'm checking for new job things to apply to and there's never anything new, maybe 1-2 things every couple weeks. Nothing. Ever. I don't like the way i look lately. I don't like what i'm doing, or lack there-of. I just want to leave and live somewhere else, doing what i need to do, having access to new opportunities and people that welcome me. I can't even do that right now, because it requires money to pick up and leave. I can't do anything.

If it's who i think it is, i will scream.

So about two weeks ago i got a few weird texts from some random number, one of those texting app numbers. They said "hey girl i got my new phone!" and then went on about praying to jesus and whatever and then how i shouldn't try to catch something that doesn't want to be caught and left me alone. Last night i got a call from someone using skype. When i answered it i didn't say anything at first so i could hear if there was going to be background noises. There were. The guy was talking to someone who must have been in the room with him, and then after realizing the phone stopped ringing on his end he got quiet. I said hello and i kept hearing words but i couldn't understand them and so i kept asking "what?" they then said "i really like you a lot.." and i laughed and asked who it was and then i heard mumbling so i asked what they were saying, he said "hold a sec" and the phone went silent so i hung up. A few hours later i got inappropriate text from that app number, obviously it was the same person that had called me. So, i knew then that it was most likely someone who either knows me or knows someone who knows me... i automatically thought of the last person who has pulled things like this with me in the past. That person is Gerrick. I was pretty pissed, because they kept texting me random bullshit, like it's a game. After a while of failed attempts to say they were some guy i knew and fucked once, they finally tried saying they were someone i didn't know and that the first time they texted me that they were just bored and texted a random number. I caught them in a lie when i asked how they knew i'm a girl if they just texted a random number and they didn't say anything. For real though, this is just kind of annoying. If Gerrick has anything to do with this, i'm going to find him and punch him in the throat and tell him to leave me alone.

I told you I couldn't be your friend on your birthday

I just thought a lot and i don't think i can wait for you to feel comfortable enough to actually tell me how you feel, which is something that i'm thinking might never happen. I also don't want to continue to be the way we were and then the same thing that happened last year happens again and then you ignore me, blow me off and then decide not to talk to me at all anymore. I can't just sit there and have these feelings for you and play the let's pretend we don't have feelings for each other game with you but not be able to possibly move on with someone else just to make sure you won't get mad at me again. I care about you so much and i've always felt you really know me better than anyone else and you don't even have to try, but i just can't anymore.

I need to go

I'm just gonna leave this state, i'm sure.
I'm not trying to run away, i'm just tired.

I don't wanna.

I don't think i can leave this place yet. Last night i thought about how much i would miss him because i know i wouldn't be able to go visit him whenever i had the time. I cried... like sobbed. I need to know more things for me to actually decide is i want to leave or not. I know he had feelings for me last year even though he never actually said so but i always got these little hints, and from what happened when i went to see him the other week he still does. I screwed up last time, and i don't want to do that again. I feel like i might actually have a chance this time and i don't want to blow it. I really hope i haven't screwed up already. I love him so much that it scares me, but i know that i rather have him around than me give up. I just don't know if he's ever going to tell me how he really feels.

It just is.

This is going to be pretty personal, a little harder for me than what i usually talk about. Please, don't pity me though.
I've been thinking about this one question in my head probably close to everyday lately, still unanswered. Why doesn't life just give me a break? It's like i can't go one month without something completely shitty or confusing shakes up my whole world. Maybe the start to this year was supposed to be some kind of warning. Like it was trying to tell me "Hey, so this year is going to be filled with bullshit... just not quite as bad as this." It's kind of weird because i never talk about it with anyone, i don't know why. I would have thought that by now i would be better about it but it seems that it's gotten worse at times. I think because at first i just didn't want to believe it so i distracted myself instead the best i could by surrounding myself with various people and numbing myself with anything alcoholic. When i couldn't distract myself as easily i made myself believe that it was just some kind of joke. But after 7 months i don't think trying to convince myself that it's not true works anymore. It's pretty much burned into my brain that the facts are real, my friend is never coming back. I'm never going to see him again unless i look at pictures. I'm never going to get to say goodbye. And i'm never going to be able to tell him how much i really appreciate him.
I know i could have so much more to say about this and how i feel but i just can't for some reason. It's taking a lot slower for me i guess.

I'm in trouble.

Maybe i shouldn't have gone to hangout with you...
But ya know, i figured after nearly 9 months of not seeing/talking to you plus knowing that my past feelings for you have at the least subsided months ago that it would be perfectly fine. I really thought that any feelings towards you that were more than friendly wouldn't come rushing back any time soon anyway. Boy, was i wrong. They came, and it was in full-force. It's kind of your fault though. You're still the same, maybe even a little better than before. Those little things you used to do or say that used to make me really happy inside are all still there, and that just sucks for me. I mean, when i got there you acted like we never stopped being friends or that we just hadn't seen each other in a week, like you've always been there and everything between us from last year before shit got twisted was just the same. When you walked out of your sisters apartment that day i drove to meet up with you, you said "Hey creeper!" with this huge smile on your face as soon as you saw me exactly like you did the last time i saw you on halloween. It was weird, but oddly comforting. I don't think you even realized at all that you did that, but then again you seem to be good at remembering little things. Sometimes, i swear you bring up the least important things i've told you just to let me know that you do in-fact listen/read and remember everything i tell you. It still surprises me but in the best way and i kind of think deep down you know it makes me feel like that. Also, sometimes, i feel like you know what's going on in my head and when you often glance at me and smile when i notice you and ask you "what?" and you say "nothing" and look away you are trying to read me. It's like you're trying to get in my brain and know me the best you can, and it's working. It's almost unreal to me that you STILL do that. It makes me wonder how many times i've gone through your head while we weren't friends and if it really bothered you that i wasn't around. Let me tell you, it killed me... i never thought i was going to talk to you again.
So, help me. What am i supposed to do now?

What is even going on?

So, right now I am in Shane's room in gville while he's at work. I've been here since Saturday afternoon. Saturday night he got completely wasted and things got weird man. I saw him act and say things to me that I've never thought I'd see. He kept holding my hands because a few weeks ago I asked him about why guys try to do that. Then he tried to sing/rap about me that included things like that he was trying to express his feelings to me and that he wanted to make love. Weird, right? Well after a little while of talking and him singing various verses of Dixie chicks songs we ended up at the pool. Got in with just my bra and underwear. We played a little pool volleyball but then A couple showed up about five minutes after us so we left to go get something that covered me a little more. We went back to the pool and there were two guys there. We went into the hot tub and he started calling me baby, even more weird, right? After the guys left we fucked in the hot tub and then he asked if I liked when he called me baby so I said sure. After that we went out to get cigarettes and on the way back he mentioned something about me staying until next weekend since he invited me to come back next weekend for his friends party anyway. We got back and fucked again, but this was different. It was like it was more than that and I didn't understand. He moreso held me rather than what it usually is. Anyway after all that he was laying there just holding me drunkenly singing this particular Dixie chicks song that goes like "I can love you better than that. I know how to make you forget her. All I'm askin' is for one little chance. Cause baby I can love you, baby I can love you better" except replacing "her" with "him". Yea, I didn't even know how to feel at that point. After all that easier he asked me to suck his dick and I said about how I normally only do that when I'm dating someone and we aren't dating and he goes "says who?". Yea.............. What the hell was going on? Anyway yesterday we got up an went to his sisters. We made some ramen and just chatted for a little bit. I told him about Wawa and he googled it and suggested I go to the and tell them I want to open one here in gville. strange. We came back and attempted to drink a little more and then he made us dinner with the space amount of food they have, twas nice though. When I wokeup it was like 7am... I just looked at stuff on my phone, when he wokeup he looked around and checked the time then moved closer and put his arm around me. Then after a couple minutes he got up and got ready for work, gave me his apartment room keycard thing just if I wanted to go out. So now I'm waiting for him to get home and he texted me not long ago saying he was working until close an asked if that was ok that I would be hanging out here for that long and I told him it wasn't a problem unless he wanted me to go and he said no. So, again, here I am... confused as fuck. I got over liking him so much and now I'm screwed.

Good

I guess i found out that was just your version of saying goodbye...

well, alright.

hey.

A little something.

I wish you hadn't come up to me at the beach that day... or that I at least wish i had been able to tell you to fuck off or that I hated you. But I didn't. You came up to me and I just looked at you. You had to say you've been a douche bag, you acknowledged that and I guess you wanted to let me know that you knew how you've been to me. No shit. You had to extend your arm to try to shake my hand, and I wish I had punched you in the face instead. But I knew it wasn't the right time or place for all that, so did you. I want to be able to tell you that I just hate you and that I'm tired of you thinking that maybe you're just teaching me these weird life lessons, but I know I won't. It's like you blamed me for everything, for everything everyone else has ever made you feel.
I wish you had never gone through my phone that night.
I wish you hadn't tried to impress my dad so much so that he would like you.
I wish you hadn't tried at all.

I don't regret meeting you or even talking to you, I just wish you had been more honest and less scared.

So much, too soon.

I went to Citrus a few weeks ago. I stayed at my friends moms house while she was house-sitting while her family was on vacation. I started not caring so much about my ex Ryan while he was flipping his shit because he was worried i would meet someone, it felt pretty good. I was having a great time not worrying about things, even just sitting there was good. Then i met a guy named Joe, not really expected at all. He's a cool dude and everything, we got along and he was really sweet to me PLUS he works at my favorite pizza place in florida, not to mention he's spectacular in bed and has moneys[js]. I think i screwed that up though, i guess we'll see. Also, i saw Gerrick at the beach at this birthday get-together Joe took me to that week. That shit was weird, he went up to me while i was talking to Joe and said something about how he's been a douchebag for years and that he'll probably continue to be one for more then shook my hand and walked away. I don't know what he was trying to do by telling me that, but whatever. Oh yea, and i've been texting Shane a lot lately and he wants me to come see him, like soon. Like has been asking me when i'm coming up there for the past three days kind of soon. To be honest, it probably isn't the best thing for me to keep doing things like this, i'm aware, but i just can't help myself. I know i'm going to go to Gainesville and fuck Shane, i know that for sure.
Once again, here i am, doing what i always end up doing.

Too many things have happened in the last 7 months.

Alright, since so many things have happened since the last time i wrote in this thing so it's more likely going to be like a book, k? K.

The day after my last post in here, i saw Flower[Greg], i stayed at his house one night and we hungout with his roommates who are all in a band and sell weed on the side. We watched some movies and cuddled on the floor, we ended up doing things... obviously. A day later, Shane came over again and we just hungout and had a good time, like usual, just friends. Everything was ok and i was satisfied with that. I invited him to Emily's halloween plan we had the next night and he insisted he couldn't make it since he had already made plans with someone else but since he was going to borrow a blanket from me for the walk home he would meet me at her place after he got off work so i could get it back without my dad questioning me.

The next day was halloween, Emily and i had a plan for us to dress up and get drunk and get candy from strangers but that ended up not happening. What really happened was we had a couple beers after i got there, went to some liquor stores for our drinks we wanted and on the way back from ABC Shane caught us and walked over towards me, i invited him to come back to Emily's with us to have a drink or two and he said yes. I was having a great time, it was only about 5pm and it was just Me, Emily, Shane, Emily's roommates and my friend Koben and his Girlfriend. Shane was next to me everywhere i walked to, i didn't mind it though. Koben asked me if Shane was my boyfriend because apparently we "acted" like it, i said no and questioned in my head if thats what everyone thought when they saw us together.

All of a sudden it was dark outside and before i knew it i was in my costume, Emily was in hers and on the way out the door to pick something up at a friends house a few blocks away, so it was just me, Shane, and a friend named Kim. We went to buy beer for us, when we came back there were about ten people we knew standing in the yard in costumes waiting for a party to be going on. So, we had one. Flower ended up coming with a couple of his friends and i didn't know what to do, Shane was still there. So, i walked away and sat on the couch next to Shane. Then Flower comes over and sits on the other side of me on the couch and i'm just sitting there feeling awkward as fuck hoping neither of them talk to each other but ofcourse that didn't happen. They didn't know about each other and how well i knew the other one, i was trying to be calm so i got up and drank some more.

Eventually Flower wanted to go home and have me go back with him and i told him about 20 times that i couldn't go but to stay longer and hangout and just have fun, so he stayed. A couple hours later it was me and Flower in Emily's room talking, because he wanted to. He wouldn't leave the room, he just wanted to talk to me and only me... and at one point Shane walked in and asked us a couple questions that weren't important and then walked out. Things happened, and while they were in the back of my mind I was thinking about how horrible i was for doing this while the guy i really liked was in the next room and he knew what was going on. We walked out of the room and the party was over, a few people in various places passed out and Shane was on the chair sleeping with his hood over his head and a blanket covering his legs.

I went to sleep, around 9 or so i heard weird noises in the kitchen and in the living room so i wokeup and went into the hallway, nobody else was awake. I turned the corner and i saw Shane about to leave for work. I asked him if he was ok and he said yea but he wouldn't look at me. I then asked him for a hug goodbye, and he looked at me and said "I gave you one last night" and i just looked at him and didn't know what to say except sorry. He walked out, i went back to bed but i didn't know that would be the last time i saw him. I wokeup with three people starring at me laying next to a guy in someone elses bed like it's never happened before to anyone ever. Everyone told me that Shane was upset, i felt like the biggest jerk.

Shane's phone wasn't paid on time so i had no way to contact him directly anymore, but when i tried on facebook... i didn't get much back except maybe two words. I tried to have him come hangout with me again and each time he never showed up, i got so angry. We ended up not being friends anymore. I asked a couple male friends of mine about their opinions on the situation and one of them said that Shane was testing me to see if I would stray to another guy hoping that i wouldn't, but i did and i failed the test and thats why he wouldn't talk to me anymore. I has been texting for two days at this point without getting any replies or texts back from him, i finally sent one asking if he was testing me and that if so i have failed and he assured me that i was correct, i tried to explain it all to him but he got mad and insisted that he never cared about me being with Flower and that it worked out for him because he was trying to get rid of me anyway. Things really fell apart.

I became closer with Flower, i stayed a few days at his apartment and hungout with the guys and got food and into a show for free. It was pretty nice at times... but i knew i didn't really want to be there. A couple days after i got back home i found out from Emily that Flower had been talking about getting back together with an ex for the past week, i was pretty furious. I don't like being involved with someone while they're trying to talk to someone else... that's sketchy. I blew up at the kid... and i never heard from him since then. A few days later Emily told me that she had hookedup with Shane the night before. I thought she was kidding... she wasn't. I was over her house that night it happened and she lied to me saying her ex was in town so she wanted to see him. She had told me that what really happened was that shane texted her and asked what was going on at her house and she told him a few people including me were there and he told her he had mali and to go see him instead, so she did. We didn't talk for about a week.

A couple weeks later, i went over Emily's again and he neighbors had company, guys who were going to the occupy movement in NY. One of them took a fond liking to me, a guy named Red who had long red dreads and acted like a fool because he was drunk and around his friend. We talked a bit and i found that when it was just me and him, he wasn't trying to show off or act cool and i kind of liked that. We madeout, i slept next to him in their neighbors spare bed and as soon as i woke up i walked back over to Emily's. Apparently she was worried because i had told her i was coming back the night before and never showed up. I was ok, tired and cold but fine. I never heard from or saw that guy again, and honestly, i'm pretty ok with that.

Christmas was finally here, i was getting everything i asked for, which wasn't much but I got my car. I was pretty excited about that, i drove it all the time to my friend's house, everyone thought it was pretty great. I picked up the car from my mom's house and drove it back. she bought me that with leather boots, a jacket and made me cookies. My dad got me a shitload of makeup and my sister got my lotion, scented chapstick and some weird mudslide drink mix that i think i lost. My brother was living with us at that time so he was jealous that i got these nice things, a car, and he didn't... but that wasn't my fault and i let him know it.
new years day i found out that my close friend, Kyle, passed away. Nobody told me about it.

I found out because of a mutual friend's facebook status. I asked him what happened and all i was told was that he was shot. I knew nothing, i had nobody go to go to find out what was going on. All i could do was hope that someone on his facebook had the answers i wanted. Finally i found out that supposedly he had accidentally shot himself in the face on new years eve but i know that's bullshit. kyle was safe with his shit, everyone who knew him knew that. What was weird is that there was never an obituary for him or anything about his death. I feel like the people who really know what's going on are covering it up and it makes me really mad. I wanted to go to his funeral in citrus, so my last resort was going to Gerrick and politely asking him for the information, he never got back to me. I found out the day after i left go to back home from citrus was the day of his memorial there and i was so pissed. I asked Gerrick why he hadn't told me about it and why nobody came to me. he insisted it was my fault i wasn't close with Kyle anymore, What he didn't know was that i had told kyle about a week before he died that i had a car and when he came back to florida i wanted to visit him. I'm still pissed.

A couple weeks passed and i was back to going to Emily's and i was getting drunk about 5 nights a week there, i didn't care. I got money as often as i could and bought as much as i could. We met these punk traveler guys[Andy and Travis] at this record store for artwalk. That night they came back with us to the after party that had already started before we got there. They were fun, and cool. It was relaxing to be around people who didn't care about what drama was going on. About a week later they came back for this huge party we had at Emily's. I was so excited, i was having such a great time... then again i was really drunk so everything made me happy. That night Travis was being a little flirty, which i could tell for him didn't happen often. He asked for a drag of my cigarette while we were sitting on the curb with our beers next to us so i let him and he grabbed the cigarette away and took a puff. He then out of nowhere kissed me. I didn't get it but i liked it. So, by the time we went back inside everyone was passing out and all we had left was to try to share Emily's bed with two other people sleeping on it already. We passed out laying on the edge of the bed. I woke up a couple hours later and drove home. I never saw Travis again.

A little later one, Me and Emily stopped being friends... for good. What happened was she had got off work late and i was already at her house. She picked me up and went to her coworkers house to smoke but i just wanted to leave. We then went to walmart and then a piercing place because she lost one of the balls to her septum. We got that done and then finally picked up something to drink. The guy she liked, Andy wanted to come see her but she wasn't sure about it. She liked him but wasn't sure because he didn't have a job yet. An hour after we got there she passed out with this stupid guy in her bed after her telling me about 20 times that she didn't want to do anything with him. I was bored so i invited Andy over and we decided to walk downtown to one of his friends house. What we forgot was that Andy left his charger in her living room after we left and locked the door. We had to walk back and get it the next morning, Tommy opened the door and he grabbed his charger and he went home and i drove away. When she woke up she texted me and blew up my phone saying i was a liar and i stabbed her in the back and that i was trying to get her back for hooking up with Shane. I apologized for everything and explained what really happened. She didn't want to heard it, so i told her to leave me alone.

A week later i went back to citrus to see other Emily! it was a good time. The last night i was there, i got a message on FB from this guy i know Ryan. He was seeing this girl who i knew in Gainesville in 2011 and i hadn't seen him for like a year. So, i talked to him and joked him and thought i was being funny. When i got back i My dad was still out of town visiting his new girlfriend. He came back and brought her with him. She was now living with us, which was fucking insane. That same night i ended up hanging out with Ryan because he lived a lot closer than i thought and i had no friends left there anymore. We got close, too close maybe? I don't know. A couple days later we ended up getting together, like officially. Everyone was freaking the fuck out over it, especially at him. he got various texts from people saying i was a crazy bitch and that i lie and stab people in the back and cheat on guys all the time. That was great.

I really liked him and we saw each other like every single day. I went to go visit my mom with my family at the beginning of march for spring break and brought Ryan with me. Things were going good, except for drama between my family and my dad's crazy girlfriend. But now was the time to forget about it. It was perfect. When i got back to Gainesville, that night my dad texted me telling me i couldn't live in his house anymore because Laura said so. I was homeless. I didn't know what to do, I just had to see what happened. the next day i had to get My stuff out of the house while a cop was present and my mom and her husband met up with me and Ryan's house to move me into their house 2 hours away. I wasn't happy. I knew it was going to be hard for me a Ryan. He was really supportive though, i loved it.

After a while of living here, things between me and Ryan started getting crappy. I was annoyed because i had this guy who my mom knew from their bowling alley trying to talk to me and hangout with me all the time like would not leave me alone. It was getting on my nerves. Plus I had girls coming to me saying he had been talking to them and telling them that me and him were an on and off couple and that we were off. Also, that he would add people on FB he didn't know and text them and exchange pictures. I got sick of it. I tried believing him for a while and i tried to have us see each other every couple weeks. Until, one day he told me he "accidentally" kissed this 16 year old girl who lives in his neighborhood. That doesn't just happen. Apparently her mother and step dad threatened Ryan and said if they ever saw him talk to her again that they would call the cops, so he backed off of her. We broke up a couple weeks ago... he still tries to get me back thought. Like, everyday. Me and Shane became ok with each other a couple days ago, by the way. I messaged him saying i was sorry about what happened months back and he said he glad i messaged him and we talked about our lives for a little, was nice.

Now, I'm just doing what i want... when i want. I stopped smoking three weeks ago today. I'm slowly losing weight and i actually have a decent skin tone for summer. Plus, i'm finally going to see Emily in citrus this weekend and i'm really excited.