ketchup.

ok, let's catch everyone who might ever read this up on all that's happened to me within the past 2 months or so[which has been a lot]. i moved into my house on september 1st, i love it. it's a bit hard with the rent and my dad isn't able to pay all of our bills at the same time which has resulted in me not being able to use me phone to make calls, but to only use the internet and text people with my google number when i'm home, sucks but i'm over it. anyway, started chilling with my friends at her new-ish house she moved into over the summer, met one of her roommates(Tommy) and then she had this awesome idea to plant into both of our heads that we should hookup with each other, so that happened. he's a kid though, graduated this year so i was extremely skeptical on that one but hey, it was fun. dude totally ended up surprisingly early because he wanted to "get around", he's kind of a whore, whatever. i was kind of annoyed by that so the next night i went to this party house where these dudes i know live at by me, met another guy(Shane) who seemed interesting and thought i was cool, went back to his apartment. we hooked up, it was nice, it was different. since then, which it's been a month since i met him, we've hung out tons of times and we have a shitload in common plus we're both extremely comfortable around eachother and ive developed a teeny[by teeny i mean majorly huge] crush on him. he knows about it though, and for some reason he's still my friend and likes to hangout with me. i've recently discovered that he finds me very very very attractive and i'm about 98% sure he likes me the way i like him, but unfortunately for me it's just never a good time... we still hookup[shhh!]. and about three weeks ago i met this model-looking guy(Zack) at my friends while she was out working all night, her roommate(Tommy) brought people back to the house when he got off work one night and i ended up making out with him(Zack) a bit, boy he was pretty. kind of sucked because he personality was shitty so nothing more ever really happened, but dayyyum when i say he was the hottest guy ive ever kissed i mean it, trust me on that. then about two weeks ago i hungout with my friend and two of her coworkers(Charles and Matt), one whom she's hooked up with before, they're some wigger-looking dudes but they're pretty decent so it's not all bad. i ended up fucking one of the guys(Matt), yea, me... from thinking about everything i've been typing on this post i feel kind of like a slut, ehh. he was pretty good, he's a bit old for me, but i'm picky to begin with, good thing it was only a hookup.... except for i fucked him again about three days later. the next night i hungout with Shane again, he was being super sweet and flirty... even told me he'd get his dick pierced and he don't even know that i'm into those sort of things[told you we had things in common]. we ended up fucking again, he's not very aggressive in bed, more romantic but i actually like it, i'm becoming mushy. i haven't seen him in almost two weeks though and things with him are different everyday so i'm not entirely sure where i stand when i comes to him right now. Last week i went to my friends for our friends 19th birthday, i ended up getting super drunk and meeting abunch of people.. i love that shit. i met this dealer dude(Flower aka Greg) and he was kind up my ass after we had a conversation, he was cool though, told me to add him on fb so i did. a little bit ago my friend told me that Flower told her to give me his number and that he thought i was really cool, so now i have another dude i guess? shit's so weird. soooo many different guys within a short amount of time, i don't even know what to do right now. anyway, yea... that's my social-lovelife at the moment.
shit that was a lot to type.

Whoa.

I can't believe I did it.

These things don't just disappear.

I'm leaving in a couple weeks, moving. It's what I wanted... But I didn't think it'd happen this way. I think it'll be good though, i need to stay away from this place. I have more people who miss me in Gainesville than I have anyone I talk to here, period. Maybe I'll get to know that one boy better, or meet more.

By the way, I looked at a random friends picture online today... You were in it unintentionally.

are you fucking serious?

DO NOT ask me to do something for you and then just fucking flip, it's not a good strategy to get what you want from me. Although, seeing you be pissed off knowing you can't do anything about it makes me laugh. You're fucking weak.

Are you drunk right now?

I'm just sayin', you could do better.


Every time I put this song on, I have to put it on repeat.
I didn't realize how good it was until last night.
It's extremely emotional, I love it.


And I'll start hating only if you make me.

I miss you and it sucks.

I've been thinking about it more again lately, I'm not mad at you. I never was.





I just miss you.

Another disposable relationship.

Well, let's face it... it wasn't meant to last. How could it work when during the last month of it i tried to not be myself because he didn't like how i was sometimes? I didn't know it then, but i just wasn't happy. I tried so hard but i was crying almost every day and i didn't know why, not because anything bad happened but because i guess i wasn't happy. I never told anyone that though, still haven't.
For some reason, i thought about the first few times we "hooked up" a little bit ago, and then i quickly remembered why i block it out of my head for so long. I remembered the things i would do with him, not because i wanted to them, but because i wanted him to like me because i liked him soooo much. There were times where i said i didn't want to do something in particular that he may have wanted to do but after multiple times of him trying to convince me that it'd be fun or that if i didn't he'd leave, i'd give in. There was another time i remember him trying to convince me to jerk him off, but i didn't really want to and i was nervous so i pulled my hand away and he grabbed it and put it back, so i just went with it. It makes me feel awful and i hate remembering that that's how it used to be and i never want to think of him as someone who would do that, but i don't know.
I didn't know at the time that that's not ok, i still don't want to think that these things that happened aren't exactly "OK". It makes me feel like it broke me if i think of it like that, and i don't like to think that i'm broken. There's only one person who i've talked to about this, only some of it, because most of the time i don't think about it and when i do it's really hard for me to talk about everything. I don't want people to think i'm lying, but i also don't want people to think he's some horrible person. Unfortunately, that person doesn't talk to me anymore... not a huge deal, but it'd be nice if he was still around because he never really judged me when i told him about my personal life.
Anyway, i've tried to talk to Colin about these things and how they've made me feel and that they sort of messed with my head, but it doesn't really happen. Every time i've tried to lightly talk to him about it and explain it all to him he quickly says he doesn't remember it much and always thinks i'm trying to make him feel bad and just says "i'm sorry" a million times. I don't want him to say he's sorry, i just wanted him to get it and to understand that the things i've been involved with when it comes to him have fucked with me a little bit. I just really want him to know how it made me feel. I don't think that's ever going to happen.

this is it.

my boyfriend changed his mind on where to live, he wants to be in tampa because there's a better job offer there and wants me to move with him. it would happen much sooner, which, is good... but i know nothing/nobody there. i would do it for him though. also, i hope he stops talking all together to this one girl he knows, i've asked him a few times before to completely stop but he says since they work together it's "unavoidable". fine, he can talk at work about work when he HAS to, like he says he does, but texting about stupid vlog bullshit and keeping her as a friend on every social website he has an account on is bothering me. years ago, i could talk not even half as bad about his then-girlfriends and he would unfriend me and delete/block me on everything but she can be a huge raging fatass cunt when it comes to me and he still talks to her? actually, one upon a time a few years ago, his girlfriend told him to choose between being with her or being my friend because she didn't like that he called me his "bestfriend" on a myspace post... he obviously chose her that time. so, this doesn't make sense to me. i've told him how it bothers me and he just says that he wishes i could see things the way he does and that she's just a child still and needs to grow up some more, but he shouldn't make excuses for people. just no. this needs to happen soon, or else i'm going to leave and this choice alot easier for him.

I feel gross

I hate when people hide things from me. How am i supposed to trust you? How am i supposed to know you're not hiding bigger, more important things from me? What the fuck! And i'm sick of only being able to see you at night. I'm sick of not being able to do much. I'm sick of having a time limit for our time spent together. I'm sick of being stuck here everyday hoping i get to spend another whole day with you only to find out, once again, that i won't be seeing you until after 10pm.

Hate it

My new/old relationship i'm in is starting to become predictable. Every time he comes over to see me, i know we're not gonna do much beside watch tv, go on online, makeout, cuddle and/or fuck. It's making me want to scream. I know it's not his fault... but i need other activities. We can't go out much because he doesn't have enough money for it. I can't go to his house because his parents would have a heart attack. I just want to do something that i don't expect, something well thought out not necessarily somewhere else but something else. I want it but i don't want to have to put the idea in his head for it to happen. I just want a nice surprise, but i never get them.

You weren't lyin' when you said you were a fuck-up.

Well, there goes any chances of you buying me groceries or me getting any money back. Now you're gonna be in jail for a long time, and you only had a couple weeks of probation left. That's just sad.

It's always been you.

I'm happy that i'm with you again, i so am. You claim to want to marry me, and you said that if you could support us right now you'd do it tomorrow because that's how much you love me. It's such a great feeling to know all of this. But that girl, your friend, the one who is trying to fuck it up, she needs to go. Like soon.

nope, nope, not good.

every time. it happens every time. i get sucked into this vicious vortex of yours and it fucks me up. NO! noooo. i so wanna be friends with you and be able to talk about whatever, but i don't know about this anymore. eeeeeep.


PURE EVIL.

again, always.

i had another boy, i had him and i let myself grow into him. i held onto him so tight.


i lost him.
i always lose.
my heart is hurting.
i'm told it's not my fault.
i know that. but i still love him.

let's have a fundraiser so i can afford an abortion!


YAY!