only me.

so i met another guy the other night. me and emily planned to go to basscamp downtown thursday night after i got off work. she invited people to come to my apartment to go with us without asking, me i didn't care though. so she picked me up from the mall, and went to her dads apartment, where her friend was going to pick us up and drive us to my apartment so we could wait to the others and drink beforehand. the guy who picked us up was pretty cute, he was blasting dubstep from his amazing system in his teeny white car with a chicken hat on his head. i thought he was kinda cute, and he seemed nice enough so far. on the way there emily informed me that he is into computers and electronics and shit, to which i said "oh, cool." and then she remembered that i absolutely adore guys who do that shit but she didn't say anything. we get there and he didn't bring the liquor i was promised by emily that he would bring, but he thought she was kidding when she said to bring it o i gave him like seven dollars to pick up some rum. he paid for the rest of it, and he doesn't even drink, so that was very very nice of him. we didn't get to drink before we headed off to basscamp, but it was alright. the music was good, the people were out of their minds fucked up, and it was relaxing. i didn't feel out of place, for once. a couple hours rolled by and we left because i really wanted to drink, so we all get back and start drinking and the alcohol was gone pretty quickly, everyone was atleast a little buzzed so it was good. around 3 we decided to go to the after party. it was pretty awesome, and everyone there was really nice and talkative. i walked through the house, sat on the most comfortable couch ever and then zack[the guy who bought my liquor] sat down next to me and we talked for atleast a half hour about computers, dubstep, people in gainesville and how cool we both thought the other person was. i also said that i was pretty weird and i usually scare people away but he went on about how he's pretty weird himself, and he does seem like and and really awkward and it's just cute. anyway it was going pretty good, he actually seemed interested in talking to me and was actually listening to what i was saying and actually talking back. the rest of the party until we left was pretty chill and relaxing. we all left and i slept at emilys house. well, anyway, yesterday i talked to her on the phone and she said that zack likes her and i guess wanted to see if she would be with him but she was telling me how she doesn't want to be with him or anyone else any time soon and doesn't think of him in that way and then told me he also told her that i was really cool so that kind of made me smile a little, atleast knowing he doesn't think i'm crazy and strange. also yesterday i remembered how he talked about how he's from miami and he was going to visit his family the next day and i thought how weird would it have been if he lived in the same area my ex is from. so i go on zacks facebook and found out that he went to the same high school my ex went to and took the same vocational course he did, computer electronics, and they're both the same age. so, that leads me to believe that they most likely know each other, and i screamed when i saw that. ofcourse i think he's cute and ofcourse he has to have some kind of association with colin because otherwise it wouldn't be my life if it were any other way, right? so, now i guess next time i see him or talk to him just kinda see how that goes i guess. i really fucking hope they don't know eachother, or that zack disliked him in school. otherwise, i'm fucked.

Things happen.

I moved away from where i was stuck, out of my dads house, and moved into an apartment in gainesville a few months ago with someone. But they moved out because she was a bitch-ass, now i live alone and i enjoy it better. I got a job at the mall here, at Forever 21, i dig it for the most part. I've met a few new people here, only a few. I only consider myself to have one friend here at the moment, but me ad her are like twins, except she's not afraid to go up to guys without being intoxicated. I met a boy who works with me about a month ago really, he seemed pretty strange and is very much my "type" of guy, it's weird. Although, recently i've decided i'm not going to keep trying to pursue it because i'm pretty sure he's scared of me and basically ignores me at work now. *shrug* But i guess it's my fault for not being able to act normal during situations where i'm really nervous, whatever. A couple of weeks ago i finally fucked someone again, i haven't had any in 18 months, so that was nice. I knew it was going to happen because the night i met him, we talked for a while in his car and he told me he had taken the CST course at WTI and i kind of giggled and told him that i sort of consider myself the "CST slut" just because every guy i've had sex with has taken that class, i can't help it, computer nerdiness gets me EVERYTIME. And he laughed so, i'm pretty sure that after i said that he knew he had a good chance. He actually wanted to keep having fun whenever i come back to visit, which i am ALL FOR but last week i guess i offended him by making fun of some song he posted on facebook. He's been ignoring me ever since. Why do guys get all weird on me over stupid things after a while? I even told him that, that everytime i get to know a guy and spend time with them, no matter how much time, they end up getting weird with me over nothing. So, now i guess the world is back to the way it should be, with me having no guy who's actually time-worthy in my life. Btw, i still miss you. I thought it was getting easier, but it's really not.

it's not real.

i had a weird dream last night, not like that never happens, but this one was really different than most. it felt so real, more real than any other dreams i've had in a very long time. i was so nervous and anxious, i felt the anxiety in my sleep because i thought it was real life for a moment. and the things that happened in the dream are things i could see actually happening to me. the message of the dream? i think it was saying that maybe i feel like you're still out to mess with me. play some kind of prank on me again, a really terrible one. another prank that would put more cracks in my heart because i would have gotten fooled again. i would have let you say this long fake speech and at the end of pouring myself out to you afterwards, you would smile and start saying how stupid i am for actually believing what you just said and how clever you are because you were just improvising your words. doing all of that just to hurt me, just to see me upset. i can see you doing that one day and it makes me scared.

it feels kinda great

to be over all the ridiculousness, not fully but for now i'm doing really good.

now, don't freakout just because i'm happy again and you have nothing to do with it... you're the one who left.

you broke the old pattern.

so, shit's been weird... but when is it not for me? it's always strange, "coincidental", fucked up, or doesn't make any sense. always.

i never know what's going to happen anymore.

probably one of the worst things in the world

is when someone is inconsistent with you. they act this way but they say the opposite, or they say something one week that is important and the next it means nothing. i think the person on the receiving end of it gets the worst of the entire thing because all that ends up happening, in their case, is they're left way more confused than they were before. they end up becoming scared or they don't know what to do or say because it seems like nothing they can do or say will help the situation.
I don't know what i can do or say anymore.

always.

how come every time someone tells you they won't ever do something that has been done to them and hurt them to you, they go ahead and do it anyway?

?

it's become a daily routine
seeing things i cannot un-see.
i miss things more and more and i don't know how to act.
it literally makes me crazy.

uh.

i guess i'm gonna try to write in here more often and not delete the entries...
not that anyone even reads this though. so, idk.

i've always been afraid of telling the people who know who i am too much. i think it's because i know that if they judge or criticize me it effects me a lot more than some random person i've never met and don't even care about. sometimes i get scared to say exactly how i feel, if it's something that runs deeply for me anyway, like the person i tell will just freak out on me or leave. when it's something this strong, even though you don't know what "this" is, i get the most afraid. when it's something like this people end up thinking i'm crazy, like mentally unstable. maybe i am, i've never been diagnosed. but i don't think someone can justify calling someone else crazy over something like that. but this time, the people who know, the ones i've told don't think i am. they expected it, they knew it was happening. and even before that, people knew it was happening or was going to happen but i was the one calling them crazy for even thinking so. maybe it's because of my age now, i'm a lot older and i guess society claims this to be more "acceptable" with an older age because when we think of older people we think of wisdom. it's a bunch of bullshit though. age has nothing to do with wisdom or being smart or being right or wrong. it's all personality. you feel how you feel. and i think my heart grew up way before my mind or personality did and before i was ready for it, and i guess for that i was thought as being crazy. i care about a lot of things, i can't help that, i don't choose to. it's just how i am. although, i can say i'm a lot better with things than i was a few years ago.

this just doesn't feel right. it's like something is missing.
it makes me really uncomfortable.

with anger comes ignorance.

cigarette smoke
in the wind.
the moon is deceiving
but so am i,
and that doesn't change anything.

bad?

i really wish i didn't do what i JUST did... it's "bad" and people would be up my ass about it forsure.

but what can i say? it makes things temporarily better.

don't say it if you don't mean it.

i don't really know what else i can do anymore. maybe i'll be better off just giving up on the entire thing 'cause i don't think i should waste time on bullshit.