I need to go

I'm just gonna leave this state, i'm sure.
I'm not trying to run away, i'm just tired.

I don't wanna.

I don't think i can leave this place yet. Last night i thought about how much i would miss him because i know i wouldn't be able to go visit him whenever i had the time. I cried... like sobbed. I need to know more things for me to actually decide is i want to leave or not. I know he had feelings for me last year even though he never actually said so but i always got these little hints, and from what happened when i went to see him the other week he still does. I screwed up last time, and i don't want to do that again. I feel like i might actually have a chance this time and i don't want to blow it. I really hope i haven't screwed up already. I love him so much that it scares me, but i know that i rather have him around than me give up. I just don't know if he's ever going to tell me how he really feels.

It just is.

This is going to be pretty personal, a little harder for me than what i usually talk about. Please, don't pity me though.
I've been thinking about this one question in my head probably close to everyday lately, still unanswered. Why doesn't life just give me a break? It's like i can't go one month without something completely shitty or confusing shakes up my whole world. Maybe the start to this year was supposed to be some kind of warning. Like it was trying to tell me "Hey, so this year is going to be filled with bullshit... just not quite as bad as this." It's kind of weird because i never talk about it with anyone, i don't know why. I would have thought that by now i would be better about it but it seems that it's gotten worse at times. I think because at first i just didn't want to believe it so i distracted myself instead the best i could by surrounding myself with various people and numbing myself with anything alcoholic. When i couldn't distract myself as easily i made myself believe that it was just some kind of joke. But after 7 months i don't think trying to convince myself that it's not true works anymore. It's pretty much burned into my brain that the facts are real, my friend is never coming back. I'm never going to see him again unless i look at pictures. I'm never going to get to say goodbye. And i'm never going to be able to tell him how much i really appreciate him.
I know i could have so much more to say about this and how i feel but i just can't for some reason. It's taking a lot slower for me i guess.

I'm in trouble.

Maybe i shouldn't have gone to hangout with you...
But ya know, i figured after nearly 9 months of not seeing/talking to you plus knowing that my past feelings for you have at the least subsided months ago that it would be perfectly fine. I really thought that any feelings towards you that were more than friendly wouldn't come rushing back any time soon anyway. Boy, was i wrong. They came, and it was in full-force. It's kind of your fault though. You're still the same, maybe even a little better than before. Those little things you used to do or say that used to make me really happy inside are all still there, and that just sucks for me. I mean, when i got there you acted like we never stopped being friends or that we just hadn't seen each other in a week, like you've always been there and everything between us from last year before shit got twisted was just the same. When you walked out of your sisters apartment that day i drove to meet up with you, you said "Hey creeper!" with this huge smile on your face as soon as you saw me exactly like you did the last time i saw you on halloween. It was weird, but oddly comforting. I don't think you even realized at all that you did that, but then again you seem to be good at remembering little things. Sometimes, i swear you bring up the least important things i've told you just to let me know that you do in-fact listen/read and remember everything i tell you. It still surprises me but in the best way and i kind of think deep down you know it makes me feel like that. Also, sometimes, i feel like you know what's going on in my head and when you often glance at me and smile when i notice you and ask you "what?" and you say "nothing" and look away you are trying to read me. It's like you're trying to get in my brain and know me the best you can, and it's working. It's almost unreal to me that you STILL do that. It makes me wonder how many times i've gone through your head while we weren't friends and if it really bothered you that i wasn't around. Let me tell you, it killed me... i never thought i was going to talk to you again.
So, help me. What am i supposed to do now?

What is even going on?

So, right now I am in Shane's room in gville while he's at work. I've been here since Saturday afternoon. Saturday night he got completely wasted and things got weird man. I saw him act and say things to me that I've never thought I'd see. He kept holding my hands because a few weeks ago I asked him about why guys try to do that. Then he tried to sing/rap about me that included things like that he was trying to express his feelings to me and that he wanted to make love. Weird, right? Well after a little while of talking and him singing various verses of Dixie chicks songs we ended up at the pool. Got in with just my bra and underwear. We played a little pool volleyball but then A couple showed up about five minutes after us so we left to go get something that covered me a little more. We went back to the pool and there were two guys there. We went into the hot tub and he started calling me baby, even more weird, right? After the guys left we fucked in the hot tub and then he asked if I liked when he called me baby so I said sure. After that we went out to get cigarettes and on the way back he mentioned something about me staying until next weekend since he invited me to come back next weekend for his friends party anyway. We got back and fucked again, but this was different. It was like it was more than that and I didn't understand. He moreso held me rather than what it usually is. Anyway after all that he was laying there just holding me drunkenly singing this particular Dixie chicks song that goes like "I can love you better than that. I know how to make you forget her. All I'm askin' is for one little chance. Cause baby I can love you, baby I can love you better" except replacing "her" with "him". Yea, I didn't even know how to feel at that point. After all that easier he asked me to suck his dick and I said about how I normally only do that when I'm dating someone and we aren't dating and he goes "says who?". Yea.............. What the hell was going on? Anyway yesterday we got up an went to his sisters. We made some ramen and just chatted for a little bit. I told him about Wawa and he googled it and suggested I go to the and tell them I want to open one here in gville. strange. We came back and attempted to drink a little more and then he made us dinner with the space amount of food they have, twas nice though. When I wokeup it was like 7am... I just looked at stuff on my phone, when he wokeup he looked around and checked the time then moved closer and put his arm around me. Then after a couple minutes he got up and got ready for work, gave me his apartment room keycard thing just if I wanted to go out. So now I'm waiting for him to get home and he texted me not long ago saying he was working until close an asked if that was ok that I would be hanging out here for that long and I told him it wasn't a problem unless he wanted me to go and he said no. So, again, here I am... confused as fuck. I got over liking him so much and now I'm screwed.