trap.

he hugged me, tightly... picked me up and hugged me.
i didn't know it would make me feel so good.


i wish i could have that everyday.

spinning around?

i feel like everything that has been happening in my life for the past month and a half has been surreal. i've fallen for a terrible boy, one who people label as a criminal, cold-hearted, just flat out horrible. he's about the only person i know whom i feel doesn't judge me and tries to hide it. he's unbearably honest, brutally, infact. he's always there for me, when he can be atleast. my dad hates him, he says he's a "bad person" and he'll get me into trouble. whatever. my friends are divided into two over it, some i know would feel awkward and some want him to be with me. it's weird, and sweet and i feel like a creative little kid again. it's strange but i like it. i just want things to turn out better this time around, please, let the end result be a good one.

whoa, ok...

party tonight for em's birthday, i cannot wait!

and a minor note: every past blog i've written, if anyone has even read this blog...

forget it.

Ti Amo.

Forrrrreal.

I've told you i did, although you knew i was drinking at the time so i'm sure you thought i was just being a happy drunk, but i was being honest. I'm kind of happy that we are better with each other than last year, you don't push me away anymore. I think it's because you realize i want to stick around, i don't use you and i don't just fade in and out of your life as i please. I like that you're starting to be a little more honest with me and talk to me about some issues, it makes me feel good that you're willing to let your guard down atleast sometimes. Honestly, i think we both have similar feelings, yet we're just both scared to get hurt and it's understandable. I mean, i'm starting to try to trust you and i'm understanding how you are and why you act a certain way about things and i feel like i'm getting to know who you really are, which rarely anyone actually knows. And i know that you still don't trust me enough, boy, but you should. I promise i won't ever hurt you.

It makes me wonder.

People always want to act like they have to "get rid of" me... and then later on they always end up wanting me around again. They don't really admit it most of the time, like i have to initiate that it's "O.K." to want to talk to me again by talking to them first and then they end up sort of telling me. Maybe it's just who i am, i don't know. Most people should know they're always accepted to be back in my life, that is, if they want to be. They don't have to go around acting like they don't give a fuck about it if they really do, i mean, really... if you didn't care so much about me why would you still talk about me or think about me? Think about that one.

Welllllllllllllll

I'm pretty happy lately, like... yea not everything is perfect, but it's not supposed to be. right now, things are going alot better than how i thought they would be. Yea, i'm still dealing with people and i'm still confused about certain ones and their intentions but i'm good. I don't need anything, anyone to be happy. I just want to live, not be held back.

I'll settle when i'm well and ready.

We see through your blindfolds.

I'm way too excited for tiffany to come back this weekend. I have so much crap i wanna do 'cause i feel like i've been punished and locked in a cage i call my house for the past few weeks. I wanna watch movies and talk about stupid people and then listen to angry violent music so we feel like stabbing people but not really. Anyway, lately i've really been itching to go up to jersey and see some people, apologize to one[we'll go into detail about that another time], go see the beach and the boardwalk and just wander around in the greatness. The people there i couldn't care less about, most of them are dick heads anyway so they're my least concern. The only people there who are worth seeing would be my brother, maybe running into a few people i used to see all the time and my neighbor tim. Tim is a decent guy, he was technically my first friend i ever had. I met him when i was about 7 maybe 6, i can't quite remember exactly. But, since he lived diagonally across the street from my house we had the same bus stop for a few years and i saw him ALL the time. We didn't talk much after he left elementary school since he's a few years older then i am. When i started high school he was a senior and at times, not often, i would see him and say hey or wave. After i moved is when i started talking to him online and such and alot more often within the past year or so. So yea, i just wanna see everything there because there isn't shit like it here and it's ridiculous. The state just sucks, and most of the people are fucking idiotic. I mean, some of the people i've met here are pretty great and a few have helped me out alot and have been there for me and gave me great advice that made me feel better about shitty situations, a very few who i cherish knowing. I hate this state, but i love the people who helped me here, i don't want to leave them. If i could, i would pack up all my friends and travel to jersey but that would never happen seeing that some of them don't get along with each other. Why can't people just try to get along...? Just try. That's what i do, i've had shitty situations with some people but i forgive them usually and just let it pass because i want them to be around and i want to be there for them as well. Ofcourse, there's a limit to everything and i don't think you should forgive people when they've knocked you down more than a few times... i have and it ends up being a cycle. But, just try to make peace with them... think about how much you had fun with them and think about if you really care about them and if the answer is yes then think about this: they won't be around forever. You can't live your life hating people because they hurt your feelings once or they were being immature or acted like an asshole about one situation or because they freaked out when they didn't know how to handle something the way you wanted them to. Think about when they've been hurt and when you've hurt people, because everyone has been hurt and everyone has hurt someone. Think about how great it would be to resolve the situation instead of ending it with rage and cursing or yelling because everyone in their head, really wants it resolved, you just gotta let the person know that's what you want too.

Anyway! I think i'm gonna polish my nails in a bit and then sit around then sleep. Who knows anymore.

yay.

You're a dirty dickface.

:p