It just is.

This is going to be pretty personal, a little harder for me than what i usually talk about. Please, don't pity me though.
I've been thinking about this one question in my head probably close to everyday lately, still unanswered. Why doesn't life just give me a break? It's like i can't go one month without something completely shitty or confusing shakes up my whole world. Maybe the start to this year was supposed to be some kind of warning. Like it was trying to tell me "Hey, so this year is going to be filled with bullshit... just not quite as bad as this." It's kind of weird because i never talk about it with anyone, i don't know why. I would have thought that by now i would be better about it but it seems that it's gotten worse at times. I think because at first i just didn't want to believe it so i distracted myself instead the best i could by surrounding myself with various people and numbing myself with anything alcoholic. When i couldn't distract myself as easily i made myself believe that it was just some kind of joke. But after 7 months i don't think trying to convince myself that it's not true works anymore. It's pretty much burned into my brain that the facts are real, my friend is never coming back. I'm never going to see him again unless i look at pictures. I'm never going to get to say goodbye. And i'm never going to be able to tell him how much i really appreciate him.
I know i could have so much more to say about this and how i feel but i just can't for some reason. It's taking a lot slower for me i guess.