Don't??

Whoa. Seems like I have the same pattern going on but with someone else every few years. Great.

this is how you ditch someone that drives you mad

everything that i didn't think would happen, happened.
good and bad. i knew it would end bad but i've always been curious.
now im just trying to keep it together.

Rough

Soooo much shit packed into a years time, I think I'll just summarize everything.
Fuck Shane and his crazy ass, he left me alone as soon as he found out I was alright. And then, of course, tried to call me at 4am one night a couple months later. Haven't heard from him since. Ray decided to have feelings for me, and I basically shut him down. I adore him and I am proud of the good he's done for himself but I didn't want to fuck things up. For that he decided to not always be as nice to me at time, maybe because I hurt his feelings but I promise I never meant to. In november I was arrested with a group of people while standing in an abandoned house, they tried to charge me with burglary which is a felony. Obviously that didn't happen and I'm thankful. Jail is awful, and my shot was on pasco county arrests fb so that was real fuckin' awesome. My brother basically got fired from his surveying job, partially because of my arrest since his boss was super christian and a bigot. One person I met shortly before it all happened ended up getting the brunt of it when he shouldn't have, infact it was because of Rays girlfriend Sara. I hope she's reading this since she likes to follow me on tumblr, and if so, Sara you're a bitch and Dave blames you too. I've heard a lot of crazy shit since then but I've kept myself out of it because I don't want to be involved with anyone in that town anymore. I moved out of my apartment in march and got a job not even a week later in Brandon. I haven't been in touch with Dave in about a month I think and I don't like it. He was pretty decent and it's just shitty that he had to go back up north because of the way everything turned out for him. I actually got along with him. If you haven't figured it out by now, I'm not friends with Ray anymore. He changed, I knew him as Ramone and then he decided to become "Ray". Mostly stopped talking to him because of his lack of respect towards me and I got tired of it. Partially because his head was so far up Sara's ass that he stopped giving a shit about anyone else in his life. I miss him, but not the bullshit he was bringing me into. I've been working a lot. I don't know anyone here still besides the people I work with but I don't hangout with them. I'm still trying to figure out what I even want anymore.

"How do you get yourself into these situations with sketchy guys?"

I saw Shane like a month ago. He drove to citrus one night while I was staying at Graham's and I was completely shocked that he did it. He drank like three beers within about an hour and things got weird, like always. I brought up that my ex, Ryan, invited me to his wedding and how awkward that is and then mentioned a conversation I had with another guy about when I get married to which the guy responded with 'nobody is gonna ask you to marry them'. Then kinda out of nowhere Shane brought up the idea of a marriage pact, that when we are both 30, if neither of us are married, we should marry eachother. I was stunned and I wasn't sure what to say except 'why would you marry me?' My head was in a whirlwind and everything around me disappeared, it was strange. He then said under his breath 'I'd marry you tomorrow' and I was like 'what?' And he acted like he didn't say anything. He ran up to an older photo of Graham's nana and his grandpa she has framed in their back patio and pointed to it saying 'in 50 years, this is gonna be us!' I just kind of laughed. I've never had someone just spontaneously be that way with me. It's kind of funny because I remember years ago I had this random thought of marrying him, randomly, like one day we decided to go to the courthouse and just do it, so him saying this was coincidental. After a little more talking Shane asked what the plan was and I wasn't sure since it was already after 2am, he said we should go back to Gainesville and have adventures. He kissed me a few times and say me on his lap while trying to convince me to go back with him. I agreed. He always seems to get me to do weird shit. So here I am sitting in his truck while he's driving down the highway going to Gainesville at 3am. While we were on 75 just a couple exits away he looked at me and says 'you're almost home!'and he looked so ecstatic. We get to tho apartment complex and he explains to me that he didn't sign this new lease for his old apartment because he's supposed to be moving into a house in August and some of his friends have been letting him crash around at tier places and he said he took me back to this particular place because nobody was there since they were on summer vacation back at their homes with their families and whatever. We went outside so I could smoke and he asked me why we haven't dated yet and I just kind of looked at him really confused. I wanted to say 'because you never asked, stupid!' But instead I just sort of shrugged and looked at him and said 'why don't you ask yourself?' He laughed and after a couple minutes he told me he knows we are connected and we get along and that I'm like his "identical twin" haha! I told him I know that, that we get along well and it's kinda weird but we just do. So we went inside and did some things as it was interesting. After a couple hours we were just laying there and he said something about guys on DMT with glasses and asked me why I had sex with them. Like, he was really concerned about this and I had no idea what he was talking about. I went to sleep and we wokeup a few hours later, he attempted morning sex but then got sick and had to puke, like always. We took a nap and wokeup around 1. He asked me if I wanted to take a walk, so we did. We sat behind one of the apartment buildings where there's a swinging bench and while we were walkin towards it he joked about how this was all a ploy to get me back here so he had somewhere to hide my body. I know it's weird to say that to someone but if you know me, I saw shit like that too. Not infront of anyone, but me and him joke about things like that often and it's no big deal. He took me to this Asian place for some food before he had to go to work, he tried to get me to try sushi, but that didn't happen. We chatted a little and spent a little time before he had to work. He mentioned to me that if I felt like helping him clean the room while he was gone, I could and laughed a little. While he was gone I decided why the hell not. But then I found out something I couldn't believe. While I was there walking around I realized that ye, this was a girls room and that some of Shane's things, not temporary things, were there. Like his motorcycle helmet and another one, which looked like a girls helmet. So I looked around some more and noticed he had like three old shoeboxes under her bed but only own two pairs of shoes I've seen him with that day. His go pro camera was there. His playstation and his games were there. His bong was there. I decided to see who the girl was so I looked in one of her drawers and saw some college papers with her name on them. I took one of the shoeboxes of his and opened it, it was a big envelope in it and a folded in half piece of paper, it was a hand made valentines card. I skimmed the first sentence or two and looked straight down to see the same name that was on the college papers I saw. I froze and dropped the card and backed up. I was so livid. This was either Shane's ex girlfriends apartment or they were still together and she was just out of town. But what ex girlfriend lets their ex boyfriend stay at their apartment while they aren't there? He had sex with me in his girlfriends bed? What the hell kind of person does that?

Ain't that some shit

It's been a while! Let see. Last year someone admitted they had feelings for me, shocker! Although I screwed that one cause when I was being told I just sat there holding a beer and didn't say a word. Probably should have responded with something. Like atleast "ok" or "yea thanks" even that would have been better than nothing. That same person is the one I also cheated on my ex boyfriend with, surprise! It's really not that surprising if you knew who I am talking about. What can I say? I'm a sucker for his charm sometimes. The same person has tried toget me to "atleast" kiss them everytime I've been around them, but then again they've been drink everytime I've been around them not to mention, last time I saw him he was brave/drink enough to plant his hand on my ass while my dad took a picture of my friends wedding after party at the bar. Hahah!

Clinging onto something.

So....

Shane is "living for god now."
He posts about god on fb, that's it.
He told me he was baptized on the 14th, just a couple weeks ago.
Literally changed his entire life and is doing things for god I guess?
How does someone decide one day that they're just going to get up and make all these huge life changes out of nowhere?
I remember when we first started talking, him talking to me about how he feels towards the government and how they try to control everyone. He was really into Leftover Crack, especially for their anti-government lyrics, which I also liked. And now he's part of something, that does make him happen which I am glad, but seems to be controlling him. How does this happen?

And the last time we talked about two months ago he was talking to me about wanting to fuck again, now it's all about jesus.
Hmm.
I'm so done.

My birthday was good.

My friend who I went to visit in late February doesn't talk to me really anymore. After we had sex, I knew that was gonna happen. I knew it was gonna mess things up. Also, after telling me while I was there that he didn't want to get back into any relationship with another girl for a while he ended up going back to his ex who cheated on him RIGHT before his birthday. Figures. I don't understand why people do that.
I spent my birthday in Citrus County. I had planned a get together at one of the bars there with anyone who wanted to show up, except Dustin ofcourse. We went there with a little group. Me, Emily, Greg, Graham, his new boyfriend, Ktb and Sarah. I was the only one in our group who was single, so it was a little weird but we were having a good time. I figured not many people were gonna show since they had gone to another bar earlier and it was a wednesday night. Then i got a text from a 352 number asking where I was at, I wasn't sure who it was so I asked. It ended up being Joe, the guy I messed around with last summer who owns the pizza place I like. I told him where we were at and he showed up, without his girlfriend. He walked into the bar and walked up behind me and put his fingers on the lower right side of my back to let me know he was there. He stood behind me for a couple minutes talking to our friends, since we all know eachother. Then he grabbed a bar chair and pulled it up behind mine and Ktb's chair to talk to her about fishing and what ever else he had been up to lately. It was kind of weird, ya know? Like, I haven't really talked to him in a while, a little small talk when we've ran into eachother in a social setting but that was it. I just sat there for a minute looking at Emily looking at me thinking the same thing I was; how weird it was that he was here. When Ktb and Greg got up to play pool he sat down next to me and first thing he says was "Dope ring." with this corny smile on his face. I had a ring on i had gotten recently that spelled out the word "DOPE" on it in gold letters. He was being real decent, yet real cheesy, it was nice. He seemed a little nervous, and it felt like the first time me and him formally met, which was at that same bar. I kind of got the feeling that he still likes me or something, which makes me feel a little guilty because he has this girlfriend who he supposedly stopped talking to me to be with. I don't get it. I don't know what to do about it. I know I'm gonna be seeing him again so I guess i'll just see what he does.
Btw, i'm good with Shane again. That's a-whole-nother confusing guy I get to deal with again.
woo fun.