uh.

i guess i'm gonna try to write in here more often and not delete the entries...
not that anyone even reads this though. so, idk.

i've always been afraid of telling the people who know who i am too much. i think it's because i know that if they judge or criticize me it effects me a lot more than some random person i've never met and don't even care about. sometimes i get scared to say exactly how i feel, if it's something that runs deeply for me anyway, like the person i tell will just freak out on me or leave. when it's something this strong, even though you don't know what "this" is, i get the most afraid. when it's something like this people end up thinking i'm crazy, like mentally unstable. maybe i am, i've never been diagnosed. but i don't think someone can justify calling someone else crazy over something like that. but this time, the people who know, the ones i've told don't think i am. they expected it, they knew it was happening. and even before that, people knew it was happening or was going to happen but i was the one calling them crazy for even thinking so. maybe it's because of my age now, i'm a lot older and i guess society claims this to be more "acceptable" with an older age because when we think of older people we think of wisdom. it's a bunch of bullshit though. age has nothing to do with wisdom or being smart or being right or wrong. it's all personality. you feel how you feel. and i think my heart grew up way before my mind or personality did and before i was ready for it, and i guess for that i was thought as being crazy. i care about a lot of things, i can't help that, i don't choose to. it's just how i am. although, i can say i'm a lot better with things than i was a few years ago.