Well, let's face it... it wasn't meant to last. How could it work when during the last month of it i tried to not be myself because he didn't like how i was sometimes? I didn't know it then, but i just wasn't happy. I tried so hard but i was crying almost every day and i didn't know why, not because anything bad happened but because i guess i wasn't happy. I never told anyone that though, still haven't.
For some reason, i thought about the first few times we "hooked up" a little bit ago, and then i quickly remembered why i block it out of my head for so long. I remembered the things i would do with him, not because i wanted to them, but because i wanted him to like me because i liked him soooo much. There were times where i said i didn't want to do something in particular that he may have wanted to do but after multiple times of him trying to convince me that it'd be fun or that if i didn't he'd leave, i'd give in. There was another time i remember him trying to convince me to jerk him off, but i didn't really want to and i was nervous so i pulled my hand away and he grabbed it and put it back, so i just went with it. It makes me feel awful and i hate remembering that that's how it used to be and i never want to think of him as someone who would do that, but i don't know.
I didn't know at the time that that's not ok, i still don't want to think that these things that happened aren't exactly "OK". It makes me feel like it broke me if i think of it like that, and i don't like to think that i'm broken. There's only one person who i've talked to about this, only some of it, because most of the time i don't think about it and when i do it's really hard for me to talk about everything. I don't want people to think i'm lying, but i also don't want people to think he's some horrible person. Unfortunately, that person doesn't talk to me anymore... not a huge deal, but it'd be nice if he was still around because he never really judged me when i told him about my personal life.
Anyway, i've tried to talk to Colin about these things and how they've made me feel and that they sort of messed with my head, but it doesn't really happen. Every time i've tried to lightly talk to him about it and explain it all to him he quickly says he doesn't remember it much and always thinks i'm trying to make him feel bad and just says "i'm sorry" a million times. I don't want him to say he's sorry, i just wanted him to get it and to understand that the things i've been involved with when it comes to him have fucked with me a little bit. I just really want him to know how it made me feel. I don't think that's ever going to happen.
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